Looking for a Fic.

 Name of fic:Not sure
Author:not sure
Basic plot or anything you can remember:
Zacky is sick and Brian goes to the store to buy meds can't figure out what to buy and needs help from a woman working there. I think in the end they ended up in the hospital. Throughout the story Zacky kept saying he was dying.


 No seriously. I am lost, even more than Julie Powell, while she at least has a job to feel powerless at. I am, to borrow a phrase, drowning, drowning in a sea of indifference, lack of motivation and have no clue what to do with my life. All this without the benefit of the talent of cooking. If I manage to scramble eggs correctly I am a success in my tiny world. In fact if I were to start cooking my way through a cook book my brother and his squad would have to be on call 24/7 so that there is someone here to put out the flames and drag my lifeless body out of the inferno I created. I can't even go to college like a normal person or work like a normal person. (i.e. actually showing up for both without  homicidal tendencies fueling my overcaffinated body) 
I have bounced from major to major, job to job, seeking what we all do. Somewhere to fit in, to enjoy what I do, anything that excites me so that  i do not wake up every day like in freaking Groundhog Day, dreading my life.
The movie is great but it left me kind of bitter. Here i am once again jobless, looking forward to another fall semester of "trying to get this year right" and I feel like a zombie. I have no passion, no drive and its getting to the point where I think I might just stop swimming frantically and let myself sink to end my misery early. Of course even that takes effort so let's face it, I am not going to do it. I really don't think I am asking for much here. Just a passion for something, anything to remind me I am alive and not just going through the motions I feel are right.

  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated

Looking for another fic

 This is a really old one. Brian is in college and he is sharing a room with michelle but then he meets matt and they fall in love. I remember there were two endings one where he stayed with michelle and the other where he told michelle he loved matt and she understood and then he went on christmas day to be with Matt.


 Everytime I hear any of these stories it pisses me off that we as a nation have come so far but as people still have a long way to go in acceptance of being different whether it be race, sexuality, religion, or even gender. We are not as progressive as we hold ourselves to be once we realize our faults maybe we can correct them.

Whether you are homosexual or not, you should repost this in support of your friends and loved ones who are. Love is not defined by color, creed, or gender.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am a warrior for my country serving proud, but can't be my true self because gays aren't allowed in the military.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the daughter of Catholic parents who is afraid to tell them who I am because of fear that they won't love me anymore.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson.

This is the boy, Matthew Shepard. On October 7, 1998 Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson lead him to a remote area east of Laramie where they demonstrated unimaginable acts of hate. Matthew was tied to a split-rail fence where he was beaten and left to die in the cold of the night. Almost 18 hours later he was found by a cyclist who initially mistook him for a scarecrow. Matthew died on October 12 at 12:53 am at a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado.



  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed

Tales of a WAWA Bitch

Uggh. This is the first time where the only thing that keeps me going is the money that the job brings. Every other job i have had, I have always had a blast with the people, at least a group if not all. Here there are nothing but bitter,  going nowhere with their lives  bitches who piss me off with just the mere knowledge that they will be breathing the same air as me, especially the one stuck up bitch that comes in at freaking 11 pm always in a bad attitude like its our fault her life sucks I have never spoken to this cunt, yes she pissed me off enough to use to c word, for her to be horrid towards me. And then the customers.......my body aches too much for me to go into all the details of how much I am beginning to loathe humans but don't fear the lists will come, oh will they, i could write books on the stupidity that abounds in this hell hole. Now i must go scrub the fumes of coffee, tobacco, and resignation to this horrid fate off of me before I crash.
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated

Pills Pills pills

 The last few days have been pretty great, no horrible fascination with sharp objects, or feelings of wanting to end it all. the only thing that sucks is that my eyes are dilated and have been all day. so because of this i have a pounding headache that doesn't seem to want to go away. It got worse tonight witnessing ody and josh snipe at each other, it start out like the usual joking but something happened and you could just tell josh was sick of it, so that is why i fled the room, too many hard emotions to deal with. i hope ody realizes that he does get tired of her shit sometimes and maybe she should cool it. I don't want  her to get hurt. anyhoo, frick on a stick, my eyes hurt. i am happy that at least i have felt up to going to work, because damn if i don't need that money.I still don't what i am going to do about school. eh but at least i have broken down the wall a little bit when it comes to art, i drew some pics and painted some. its all good......except for the eyes...frick on a stick, ok i won't bring them up again.
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    annoyed annoyed

(no subject)

So today started out horrible, b/c Dr. B had apparently upped the geodon dosage without telling me so I couldnt even get out of bed until 4 and even now it is as if i am stuck in a really bad fog. I took the lithium no crazy effects so far, still keeping my fingers crossed.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy

How far does the Rabbit hole go?

 So now I am officially on Lithium. It scares me to think of what changes may come. Will I get better, will the hollowness stop, the ache, the pain, the craving for sharp objects and blood, or will it get worse, will my cuts go from survival to self conclusion? It scares me. Tomorrow is the first day, the first step to either a semi balanced life or the first step to the big leap. Death scares me. The thought of a gaping nothingness on the other side, nothing. But sometimes that nothing is inviting, especially when the load I carry gets too much to bare. Even writing this makes my heart ache and pulse run. Not knowing always did drive me crazy. Tick Tock, tomorrow shall begin to reveal all, or leave me hanging until the blind bend.
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    anxious anxious

and the other shoe drops

well after telling ody what happened yesterday with jesser, alan, gumnar, and angel trading gifts and telling each other how much they are happy to be family right in front of me while ignoring me and pretending i couldnt hear, more than likely rubbing it in for not picking up the phone the other day, ody flew off the handle told day who told mom both who at first went off on them then mom came over here and then alan and jesser trying to talk to me i wouldnt and fled to my room but ody got into it with alan jesser and mom, and then the cherry on this fantastic day mom ended up blaming me for ruining her holiday and life. so all in all i am not going on the ski trip no i am staying her because i dont want to be stuck with them no matter how many photo ops there are. fuck that i guess i'll just work and well work. yay what a great holiday.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed

when can they leave?

I am so fucking sick of the family already today after all the shit that went down yesterday they had the fucking nerve to trade presents with each other right in front of me knowing i wasn't included almost as if they wanted to rub in the fact that i was left out. fuck them im so fucking sick of this bullshit i am not even going skiing if this is what it is going to be like in fact i don't think i ever planned on being trapt in that fucking cabin with them. ill tell mom tomorrow im tired of pretending shit is peachy my meds are on the brink and i am in no shape to be around these assholes without being properly medicated.