Lately instead of feeling an endless sadness I am quick to rage. Today after being with the family for about an hour I had to get out of there because I felt so awkward but as soon as i got out of there I felt nothing but rage, for no real reason other than being tired of feeling like an outsider in my parent's house with my relatives. but this rage made me want to lash out at everyone, strangers or not. it took me about an hour to calm down which I did after scarfing down another million calories and trying to focus on the tv. it is sad that i have to hurt myself, because overeating is another form of self harm, to bring myself out of such a rage filled mentality. i don't think i'll be able to survive in the cabin and i might have to bow out of going. it would just be better for everyone.
it is truly funny how the simplest shit starts a fight. getting the mail in this case but in reality i think that she is just looking for a way to get rid of me and im starting to wonder if being stuck back at home with my parents might be worth it but i would hate to move back and lose my freedom. I'm tired of ody's bitching but don't know what to do. i wish i had a job where i could afford my own place and not have to deal with this shit but here i am i just have to figure out whether or not it would be worth it to lose my freedom and finally have peace of mind. never mind that she hasn't spoken to me in a week, what the fuck, when she speaks it is only to belittle me and nothing else. i hate life right now i just do sometimes it might be easier to go over the edge no bills, no school no pressure just nothing.
I am so sick of people thinking they have a right to comment on my weight. "why don't you find pants that fit?, Why don't you work out, why are you eating that....etc. etc. blah blah blah" why can't you people get the fuck off of my back, it is my body and you have no right to comment on it. it is a personal matter that involves only me not anyone else. It isn't anyone else's business about my weight, what i eat, how often i exercise. It is hard enough for me after waking up from sleep walking through life to see what i have done to myself to have everyone around me point it out. fuck you all, none of you are perfect... so when you become godlike call me until fuck off and let me do it myself.
Right when things were working out, my class schedule was perfect, my major made me happy and my job did cause me any freaking stress, so far, something had to happen. Ody has been flipping out almost everyday, and today she basically threw me out. i have until the end of the month to find a new place, or move back in with mom and dad. The bitch even threatened to take my car away if i couldnt pay what i owed her for rent. I'd like to see her try, stupid bitch, i have made most of the payments, dad has helped me out about 3 times, she hasnt paid anything, so what the fuck is she bitching about? im tired of this, i dont need this stress when i want to get better, all i can think about is dragging my razor across my skin until i feel...anything again. i hate her being able to do this to me. hate her.
First of got free tickets to see dave matthews, awesome, always wanted to see them, thanks so much maria. then i got on ticketmaster and went a little crazy and bought tickets to projekt revolution and vans warped tour. so i am going to projekt revolution with brandy, to make up for her summer being crappy and im going to vans with erica because i knew we would have soooooo much fun seeing all those bands all day, can't fucking wait!!!!!!!!!! this summer is freaking awesome!!!!!!!!!! can't wait for tomorrow hope the concert rocks and if not it was FREEEEEEEE EHEHEHEHE
there is no way to explain what it feels like to live with dual personalities. one is an over hyper child like version of me, who can fearlessly jump from rooftops, bounce off the ways, she is the invincible part of me because she feels no fear or pain. then there is the depressed paranoid version. she never sees the good in people only the bad they can inflict on her and her tears are endless, they have no source, just like the hollowness and pain she feels and like the ocean of tears, there is no ending in sight. everyone is plotting while she lives out her own truman show. i am caught in the middle. the slight pause before either one takes over the one pushed out of the way, not heard by anyone. i am the censor in therapy making sure that neither say too much, or at least trying to keep it that way. i am an expert at smiling and reassuring people im okay, i refuse to cry if i have control. but in the middle of the night when everyone else sleeps i am awake listening to both versions, waiting to see if this is the night they overwhelm me and finally overpower me, leaving this body to either fly without out fear into an untimely death or be the one to bring on death to end the pain. no one really hears me, to them i am just the calm before the storm, their shoulder to lean on, but now i am drowning, already with perfect scars that seem to mark the spot should she win, and both versions are now becoming a part of me, or maybe i am becoming a bit of both, either way the small voice of reason fades even with therapy and everyone is waiting to see me dance the ledge again, hoping for a gossip worthy ending.
i missed therapy yesterday and i am so pissed about it, i let work get in to my mind and i lost the one thing that has been helping me get through my weeks, i feel like something is missing and its going to bug me because that means things will just build up in me and it might push back all my progress.
i wish people would just come out with the truth, like the whole photos thing, if they dont want to use me they could just come out with it. at work if myah has a problem with me just come out and deal with it and not hid behind text messages. im just tired of people that i cant trust and fueling my paranoid tendencies. im at a good place, finally havent cut in two months, the medicine is finally working its just that everything else is falling apart. work is suffocating me, school seems like an endless chore, and my self image is not getting any better. i may be sort of coping better but the endless self hate is still there, the inferiority complex still there, the waiting for something to happen is still there. always searching the skies for what i can't find here.
i dont know what is so hard to understand about me not wanting to talk about casey. ive just spent the entire day crying about him i dont want to talk about him, i dont want to cry at the mention of him from now on, especially at work where they will be talking about him and will have pictures of him everywhere. i've spent enough time crying, and i just dont want to talk about it, i know ody is worried but why push it after i have asked her to stop and give me some room, im not on medication until saturday so all my emotions are even worse and i am more prone to crying and outbursts which sucks. i dont want to dwell i just want to stop bursting into tears, and i dont think thats going to happen anytime soon. he died, and in such a fucking horrible way that it is going to take me a while to get over it. fuck.
yeah so anyhooo i did cut but weirdly enough it was a boredom cut slash trying to prevent a worse cut that i keep seeing after looking at whatshisface's wrist. still a good day, love my new hair color even though it turned everything in my bathroom and me pink. it looks like im freaking sunburned on my face and my back is fucking pink, oh well better than being called a fucking leprechaun by assholes all day.